The good, the bad and the bitching!

I currently live in a studio apartment. It’s small, but that generally doesnt bother me. What is starting to get to me is the teeny tiny kitchen. For one thing – the fridge is just a bar fridge (its what they provided) so therefore I can’t keep anything like icecream in the freezer section because, you know, its not actually frozen in there. This also means I cant make a heap of meals and freeze them for later as I used to do! Damn.

This also means I dont generally keep a lot of food in there as I dont eat it all quick enough and it goes bad!

Then there is the oven. Look I know Im lucky to have one at all in a studio… but its definately not something you could cook a roast in! I love to cook and bake… and I have an obsession with cupcakes. I used to cook ALL the time, but since I moved here the oven just isnt cutting it for cupcakes… they bake unevenly or burn on the top and dont cook to the top.

Thank god theres only like 6 months left of my lease and I can GET OUT OF THERE soon and hopefully move into a place with my dream kitchen!

I one day hope to have a kitchen like this:

Check out that nice clean oven!!! The cupcakes I could bake in there….

Id love something like this… but somehow I just cant see Ben going for it. Maybe he will settle for: Isnt it so pretty!

And in case anyones hungry… check these out!  I wish mine looked even HALF as good as that!!!!

So, finally finished my pole dancing course, and although my legs are battered and bruised, I am a lot fitter and stronger from it.

I can now do this:

and this:

I can climb to the top of the pole:

And I hung upside down!

kind of like that, but with both hands and our body on the other side of the pole. And with the instructor waiting to catch me!

This didnt happen though:

One things for sure though, this will never be me!

I just wish I could be as cute as this little guy:

So will I do it again? Maybe… not for now though! I need a lot more strength before I even think about going on again! I have a lot of shoulder problems which makes it hard to hold myself up, so who knows if Id ever get there? I do love swinging around the pole though! Maybe when Im drunk?

So I am feeling a little better now about all my possible health issues. I know Im over reacting a little and there is nothing I can do but wait and see!

That said – we are coming up to our 6 month anniversary on thursday! I am excited! Right now I  am trying to decide between authentic mexican or spanish tapas… but on contemplation, well we have a voucher for the expensive spanish restaurant and I do so love tapas. Reading the menu I already picked out the 5 dishes I want!!

It was a long weekend here and I really enjoyed my extended time off! Thursday night we went and had dinner at Mr Wolf – it was cool that we got to sit in the private dining room downstairs, it was not so cool that the food wasnt that great – ok it tasted yum, but they were advertising a parma that you had to be hungry to finish, but it was literally just chicken schnitzel floating in a soup of tomato stuff. And it was small. Not great for the price you pay! Ah well. we got to eat in a basement

Friday I went to an extra pole dancing class… I am so bruised still and I am going to struggle to get through tonights class! apparently we go upside down… but seeing as my shoulder can barely stand the sideways moves, i doubt upside down is a good idea. It is my last class though… so in case I dont ever come back – it means I fell on my head and Im that girl from a tragic pole dancing accident!!

Friday night we saw Deception… was good… thats about all I can say on it though! Saturday the boy and I headed out shopping. spent far too much but got necessary stuff. boy even got shoes!! Sat night we met friends at the pub and they all got nice and drunk (I drove). Sunday I literally did nothing… it was great

One of my friends keeps asking if I have a blog. I keep saying no. Mainly because Ive complained about her on this. But she wants to start one where she trashes movies… problem is she is the worst judge of movies! and shes a wanker. Like she didnt like Borat and said she nearly walked out on it… because it was so mean to jews. I explained to her that Sasha is a jew and isnt making fun of them, hes making fun of americans. she didnt believe me. and when she said her first review would be of forgetting sarah marshall I said it wasnt that bad… she said it appealed to the lowest common denominator. I said sometimes you just go out for a laugh and that isnt necessarily a bad thing… she maintained its trash. Im not saying either movie is great, but they serve a purpose. I think her goal is just to bag everything because like a lot of things in life, she hates it all.  I struggle to think of one thing she does like!

trying to decide now if i buy a new dress for this truck show ball i have to go to… i have a dress but its a tad too big… maybe I can wear a more padded bra!! i want a new dress.. .but $$ tells me no! I really need to get my cash situation sorted.

So I had my trip out to the gyne doctor the other day to discuss what he thinks might be wrong with me… and so we did all the fun stirrup related stuff and discussed that Id already had abnormal cells removed from my cervix…anyway… long story short, seems like how I have been telling doctors for years that the pain only started after the surgery is true – because scarring can cause endometriosis which in turn causes the pain.

Fingers crossed that the pain is JUST IBS and for some reason medication doesnt work on me, but the worst case scenario is that its endo and I have to have a laproscopy. bah. He actually said that even if my ultrasound I have to go for comes back clear he would probably recommend doing the surgery anyway because the ultra sounds arent 100% positive and he could see scarring so he thinks there might be a bit of endo there…

So next month Im having an ultrasound, then after that, well probably having surgery! Im just praying that the thing comes back really clear so that I dont have to have surgery, but from the way he was talking its a certain thing.

Im actually really scared by this diagnosis for some reason… I even cried like an idiot on saturday night over it… I know the last time I went through something like this I was really upset and really scared and I had no support from my ex because you know, girly problems ew. So I kept all my fears to myself and got scared and once it was finally all over and I got the all clear, i was like well thank god I dont have to  go through this again.

But here I am. And granted its a different diagnosis, but it ends the same way – surgery! I know Im probably over reacting and theres a very good chance this is all nothing, but when youre only 25 and have had so much go wrong with your girly parts, you start to worry about things like ever being able to have children and that makes you confront what makes you a woman. Hell I dont even know if I want children yet, but i want to be the one that makes that choice!! What if it turns out I cant have them and my partner really wants them?

Im also a bit angry – doctors kept switching me from pill to pill to try to fix this pain, despite me saying over and over that I havent had pain before the surgery, yet really bad pain after. And finding out its common to get endo as a result of that surgery… well it makes me mad that none of the trained medical professionals recognised that! My current doctor is forgiven because she did the right thing – she took her time, tried different things, ran tests, and sent me to specialists. It may have taken 2 years but at least we got there! She never did the whole pill switcheroo!

Ive struggled a bit these past days to think this all through in my head, and when you add to that the lack of motivation Im having with work, well im a little down. Things are good when Im at home in bed or Ive got something to focus on – like cleaning the house or cooking or doing something for ben, but when Im by myself or sitting at work being bored, well… I just think about how crap this all is. How I dont want Ben to see this side of me because he makes me so happy that I dont want him thinking this is as a result of him… and how can I get over it. I know from past experiences I just need a few days to get used to it all… but that doesnt help when you are in the thick of things. Last night Ben had some work to do and so I pretty much just fell asleep at 9:30. i was tired and i couldnt be bothered staying awake anymore. it was pretty much the same thing the night before.

I just hope I get out of this funk soon and fingers crossed Im being a total worry wart for nothing!

So… today was the day I was set to hear back from the job re second interviews… I was nervous! I had to go downstairs for a bit and had a missed call from a private number and knew it was her…

So when I finally got up the courage to call her back, my mobile starts ringing and its her! So I answer and she gives me the usual spiel about someone with more experience (No matter how much experience I get, theres always someone else with more!) but then she starts to tell me how much she loved me and how she thinks I would be a great asset to the team so she would like to keep my resume on file just in case. Of course…  I dont know the chances of ANYTHING coming up but I do have my fingers crossed (and I have her email address too…)

It sucks that I didnt get the job because it sounded like so much fun, it is great that she liked me… so I have that to take away from all this!

Its crappy though… looking at whats out there… its not much of anything! So, if anyone wants someone to write their company newsletters or write on their magazine… and youre in melbourne… please let me know! Im good… really!!

It was almost time… just 10 more minutes and my alarm would go off. Why do I always wake up before the alarm? I carefully rolled over not wanting to wake up the boy before the alarm and as I roll over I see the most gorgeous sight I’ve ever seen. The boy is sleeping on the other half of my pillow! My morning grumpiness disappears and I feel that sappy love feeling and it takes all my strength not to jump on him and attack him with cuddles!

So I faced him… and I looked at him sleeping on the other side of my pillow and thought about how lucky I am… and then the alarm went off and we had a 5 minute cuddle before I got out of bed. Not a bad start to a Monday morning.

So off I went for my job interview… and I must say I think it went well. I dont know if I have any chance of getting a second one because I think I might be up against far more qualified people, but I think that she liked me and seemed impressed by the word that I had done. She really didnt ask questions, but had more of a chatty style… there was no why would you be good at this or anything, she just reconfirmed things from my resume, looked at my work and it just went from there. She told me a lot about the second interviews too so I am hoping that is a good sign and not just a chatty side of her!

On another note I had been worrying about references and what to do there… I could count on one from a family friend and former coworker, but I really wanted my good boss to give me one… so that meant having to tell her! I tell you what, I nearly cried! We talked about how demotivated I was from the boss and my editor, the things they had both said to me that made me think that perhaps this isnt the place to make my career in. She was really good though, she told me about how if it was up to her the next time the editors job came up she would pick me, but that it isnt and for some reason the boss cant get past seeing me as a junior.

i then said that I had a few opportunities for jobs and I was going to follow them up and we talked about them all and  she said that not that I could tell anyone, but to go for it. which was great of her. So I felt very encouraged by her because she believes I can do anything I put my mind to… in her words Im not just a great writer, Im a great worker. so that gave me a good boost before the interview!

its also good knowing I have someone in my corner here… my boss tends to be a little vacant at times and takes advantage of the good workers and protects people who he thinks are good workers. Like he really shouldnt have shown my editor the email I wrote detailing what we had discussed… sure I  made sure there was nothing offensive in there but still, the editor is male and like most males when they feel threatened, they attack! I know its all unjustified, but still, it makes it so hard to want to do your work when it is only going to benefit someone like that. If i stopped working, stopped pushing and trying to get the magazines done by going around him, he would fall on his ass. but he wouldnt get in trouble, I would because the boss would say well why didnt you do this or that, despite none of it being my job!!

I am just rambling now… but in short, keep your fingers crossed that I get to stop writing about trucks very soon!!

So I started job hunting just a little… and then I found a job that could almost be perfect for me. It’s higher up than I am now and while it has the title of Editor, I gather its more of a staff writer position. It is for a bridal magazine, which I find hilarious that I could be writing about things like that… because honestly, weddings intrigue me and scare me! I have never been the kind of girl to dream about my wedding… just wasnt one of those girls. And in my last relationship, well, I dont think I ever wanted to marry him so I never thought about it.

But this relationship is kinda different, and its something that although its so soon, I am actually thinking about more. But still… weddings. I know NOTHING about them!! I bought the magazine Id be writing on at lunch time and had a flick through… and nothing too it. I can see PLENTY Id improve on and I guess thats my own personal beliefs coming into play… but these mags are all just pretty pictures, how to get the right venue and look good on the day. and thats important… Im sure if I was to get married thats what id be concerned about too… but theres more to marriage than a wedding. So I think these mags would be good to have articles on counselling and all of that… its an important part of a wedding, actually making sure you should get married!!

Anyways… if I were to get married now (and im thinking about this purely in case theres some weird wedding style quiz tomorrow) id have the ceremony in a pub, we’d ALL eat parma and I would have a cupcake wedding cake. only mine would be pink

I’ve got a confession to make. It’s slightly sad, very wrong, but I just don’t care. I love tinned spaghetti! Theres NOTHING better than jaffling tinned spaghetti with some cheese and eating that gooey deliciousness.

I know its wrong and you’re all judging me now, but deep down you KNOW you all eat it.

So this is why when I saw this, I made an excited little squeel.

And So I bought it, and as I prepared it (funnily enough the packaging didnt have any heating directions, so I just chucked that sucker into the microwave.) I hoped and hoped it tasted the same.

Now I must preface this by saying that I live in a studio, so there is little room for surplus appliances like a jaffle iron, and I had no bread. So i ate this can without its usual accompaniments,
but still, thats no excuse.

Cos the damn thing tasted an awful lot like rubber to me…

The sauce just wasnt the same and the texture on the pasta was weird. so yeah. bitterly dissapointed.

maybe it tastes better in a jaffle?

Only its Tuesday. But I skipped work yesterday as I was sick, so, its really Monday.

Definately suffering from Monday-it-is though!! I think I’ve lost all  motivation to do my job… I really cant be bothered anymore and job hunting is now one of my top priorities… I am scared though because what if I am just no good at anything else??

Anyways… the weekend was good, but as usual never long enough! Friday night was Bens cricket presentation night and although it was a little boring to sit through, it was great that he got an award. Even though he wasn’t happy with getting the captains award – as he rightfully won the bowling (!) – I still say he should be proud because there were a lot of guys that missed out on awards and I believe he is a very deserving winner! Plus, he deserves it as he is the most underrated player on that team. They barely let him bowl, yet he still made 22 wickets, he hardly got to bat, yet his top score was an 86… he took a heap of catches and I must say, looks VERY sexy in his whites.

saturday night was his friends engagement party – it was OK. I dont really know them, and he didnt know many other people there, so it was just a matter of sitting around and chatting to a small group of people

Sunday we had lunch with my friends and then the girls got pedicures…Ben and I then pretty much relaxed around the house for the rest of the evening… we made mexican burgers for dinner which were yummy but i hadnt been feeling well most of the day so I was a bit grumpy and mad at myself for not taking my health more seriously. I literally seem to forget that I cant eat whatever anymore… its only when Im halfway through eating that I go oh hang on this will make me sick. its stupid of me and im working on it… I need to get a handle on this!!

So yeah… the pain got worse overnight and I ended up staying home on Monday. Id had trouble sleeping on Sunday night so i was asleep in bed until 1pm, then i ate, watched scrubs all day, showered, ate, watched tv, read then slept! interesting stuff hey.

This morning at work has been interesting… we FINALLY had that meeting with my editor and boss and the boss spoke pretty much applauding me for my initiative and blah blah blah and the editor agreed. 5 mins after the meeting hes upstairs having a go at me! Saying how if I am going to send an email like that in the future to make sure it had no spelling mistakes! (BTW – just checked it again, had none! grammar, sure, but no spelling mistakes) Im like well thats fine, but it was only an informal letter to write down what had already been discussed and he continued to have a go.

Then he said that I was wrong on a bunch of the things that I had tried to takeover – like the layout of the magazine. For some reason he wont do the layout until the very end and I said that it makes my life harder and everyone elses too, and I had no problem doing it because I’d done it before and he said the ones that I had worked on werent that hard and blah blah blah.

I get it… I really do. I stepped on your toes. But I did it as carefully as I could – I tried talking to you about it, you wouldnt do anything about it and I am not here to sit around and be bored and let us go backwards… everything I suggested is to be a help towards you, so why try to make someone feel bad about these things?? Im only young, Im still learning my way on these things and Ive done everything with no guidance over the last few months. Ive had to just do things without being told and watch the credit go elsewhere, and I am not standing for that anymore.

Ah well.